I’m wondering, does anyone know how to stop suicidal thoughts? I’ve ben trying to deal with this problem now for a while. If anyone has any tips, please coment below.
So today, the mental health worker came by to see me. She told me that either I said I was still suicidal, or had to go back to the nursing home. She said that if I didn’t say I was or if I knew I wasn’t, they would make a safety plan and send me back there. How can I send you back to somewhere where I’m being verbally abuse and a nurse even said that she violates HEPA all the time? Over the last three months 42 places have rejected me either because of my blindness or my past with self injury. They judge me by what they see on paper, not the human being as a person. Today, my foster family came to see me, and I was sold a lot of things by her. She said that by dwelling on the negative video it was going to make my mental health state worse. Sorry, I’m using dictation. She said that by dwelling on the negative, it was going to make my mental health state worst. She said, you don’t sound very happy, and I said, well you wouldn’t be happy if you were in my situation either. I said, you weren’t born with a disability, and you don’t know how I feel. I said you haven’t walked in my shoes. When my foster brothers came into see me, it was hard for me because I hadn’t seen them in almost a year. I didn’t think at 24 that I would be homeless. I just want a home to call my own.
The person who was supposed to get discharged from the state hospital didn’t get discharged, and they don’t know when this person will be discharged. I know I am here through the weekend. The mental health worker came to see me earlier this morning and she promised me she would be back to see me later today, but she never came back. I have a cardiology appointment next Wednesday. My heart rate is fine when I’m laying down and sitting up, but when I stand, my blood pressure drops and my pulse goes up. Right now, I have a double ear infection and a hole in my left eardrum. The doctor told me last Tuesday that if that your drops didn’t hear the hole in my eardrum, I would have to have surgery to fix it. We are holding things together so far. I don’t belong in a hospital. I need to be in a residential setting the lake a group home or even possibly my own apartment. Even the psychiatrist who saw me for the first time today since I’ve been in the ER told me I don’t need to keep bouncing around from hospital to hospital and that group homes discriminating against me because of my blindness is not right.
I’m hi all,
I’m still in the ER at at least until Monday. I am watching HGTV and now I have a medical bed which is more comfortable. The thing that worries me is that according to my medical bed I weigh 54 kg or 119.05 pounds. Last Wednesday I weighed 136. I don’t know how I could’ve lost that much weight in a week The bad thing is is that it’s triggering me to go back into eating eating disorder behavior. My altars are doing relatively well except for Amelia and all of hers. I’m feeling really hopeless because places are telling me they can’t except me because of my blindness. I even had a nurse here tell me that places aren’t excepting me because of my other disabilities. Now I know the truth. I just wish I had a home to call my own. The social worker came in this morning to talk to me, and all she asked me is if I was so suicidal and if I had a plan. I told her yes, I was still suicidal, but I did not have a plan at this time. She didn’t stay to talk to me further. This hospital doesn’t even have an advocacy line number, and it’s hospital policy that I can only call friends and family. Right now, my cell phone is not active, so I can’t call anyone else. I don’t know when I will have a computer next, but for now, I have my iPhone at least for the next four or five days. So I will be updating this blog regularly until I go back to state at which point I won’t be allowed access to the Internet.
All of the psychiatric units they had on their list were full. I found out this morning that my only two options were going back to the nursing home where I was being verbally abused or go back to the state hospital where I was being bullied by a patient who I know is still there. There is too much chaos for a blind person with PTSD and multiple personalities to be at that damn place. I wish I had an advocate, a family, but I know I have all of you for support. I’m leaving tomorrow, and I no longer have my computer for journaling. I also found out that I have to give all of my money from the last three months back to Social Security because they overpaid me.
So, I am back in the hospital again. UGG. I left the state hospital on 14 June and went to what I thought was a mental health we have the Sellitti but turned out to be a nursing home for elderly people. I was the youngest one there. There was no one there my age. But in the first three hours of getting there, my computer was stolen. I am still in the ER waiting to be placed in executrix Sellitti, a group home, or something. I just feel so alone and like there is not a place for me out there. Just because I am blind doesn’t mean I am not independent and capable of living on my own. I did go to college, and in that time, I did live on my own with three roommates. I just found out I’m stuck here for another fucking night. That is three nights in the ER. Three nights where I’m not getting any psychiatric help. I’m just being given my meds and that’s it. Thank goodness I have my iPhone to keep me occupied. If I didn’t have it, I would just be sleeping all the damn time which is not good, because if I sleep during the day I have nightmares. I want to have a home to go to to call my own. The state hospital said it was their goal to find people a forever home. Apparently they were fucking wrong, because a nursing home will never be my forever home. At least not until I am very old. The other thing that has me worried is if Social Security finds out that I have more than a certain amount of money in my checking account, they will take every penny. That damn nursing home is it getting a penny from me. The damn is suicidal thoughts won’t go away. I feel so hopeless and alone.
I am so frustrated that my computer was stolen. I wish they would find it. I am frustrated that I was led to believe that this was a place for mental health recovery and is not.
So, my computer has been stolen.
I now live so, my computer has been stolen.
I now live in a nursing home which is not a mental health rehabilitation place. There are no crisis intervention people on staff. They automatically send you to the hospital if you have a crisis or emergency that his psychiatric in nature. I never dreamed I would be in a place like this at 20 for almost 25. My birthday is next month. The state hospital in Illinois told me this was a mental health rehabilitation place just to get me to agree to go here so I would be out of their hair.
Did I finish? That’s the question many of you maybe wondering at this point. I haven’t blogged for almost 3 months. No, I was just in a psychiatric hospital for that long. The only thing they did for me was medicate me and send me on my way. I was promised by a judge and a doctor when I went to the state hospital that I would get trauma therapy and that things will turn out to be great. They told me the snooze so I would go willingly to this hospital to get treatment. They only told me all of this so I would go to the hospital willingly. The police told me after I reported the sexual assault that they could not prosecute my ex-boyfriend because of my mental illness.
I’m possibly going to be making this blog private is there some people I do not want to read my posts. If anyone is interested in still following my blog please comment down below and I will add you. Question, how do I add people to read a private blog? Sorry I don’t know
I haven’t self harmed in four months, but feel like doing it again. I feel like cutting so deep that nothing is left. Amelia
There are so many things I wish I could change. I wish I could go back and change the fact that I was sexually assaulted by this stupid bastard. I can’t though. I just wish I knew what to do. I don’t. I’m supposed to go see a sexual assault counselor today. My counselor yesterday told me the hospital wouldn’t help me because I didn’t care about goals or anything like that at that moment I do now though. Just feeling really suicidal. I had dreams of killing him last night. I had dreams of beating the shit out of him. He deserves to go to jail I don’t see why he is still here. I don’t feel safe with him living here.
I just want to die. I just want all this pain to end. I’m just done with everything. I’m done with the memories and flashbacks and nightmares and we live in the trauma I’m talking about the sexual assault. I have more information to give to the police, but the officer he’s over my case won’t be back until tomorrow. I’m thinking about making this blog private so that only certain people can read it because people are reading it that I don’t want them to see. I’ve been struggling with restricting my food intake lately. After the assault, I can’t really eat that much. I just wish I could fix everything, but it feels like everything is falling apart.