update for tonight

So today was okay. I had to eat a lot as I was home and ouldn’t hide the fact that I was suffering. I didn’t want my family to know I was struggling.

update

So today I go home for Thanksgiving. I’m afraid of all the food. Hopefully, I will make it through the holiday without incident.

update for today

So I was wondering if anyone knew how I could tell my psychiatrist about my eating disorder. I came to the conclusion on my own and with the help of my therapist that I had an eating disorder. I just don’t know how to bring it up to my psychiatrist. Any help would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so alone in this. I really do want to recover.

today’s update

So, I ate three bites of everything on my plate today at breakfast and lunch. My eating disorder is winning. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing hope. Not sure where to turn. People tell me I look pretty but I don’t believe them. I see fat when I “Look” at myself (as I am blind). I can’t really see myself. I look ugly. At least, that’s what my eating disorder voice says.

Update

So, feeling depressed today. I’ve been restricting my food intake a lot today. no matter where I look, I can’t find treatment. I can’t find treatment that Medicaid accepts. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss for words.I don’t know where else to turn.

update for November 19th 

I can feel a major depressive episode coming on. It just feels like a million weights are on my shoulders. I just feel so alone. I just want to be happy. I’m so done with this depression. It can go away. I want control back over my life and food. It’s getting harder and harder to eat my food. I just want my life back. It’s like I’m slowly fading into the darkness. I just want out.

frustrated

I’m so frustrated. Earlier today one of the residents brought up something about their past abuse. It triggered me. We were standing in line for lunch. That wasn’t the time to bring up something like that. I barely ate anything at dinner tonight. I was so upset and frustrated. I just wish mental illness didn’t exist. I wish I didn’t have to be on medications at all. My depression is coming back.

Crisis Text line 

I got accepted to Crissis text line!!!! I’m so excited!!! I start training December 1st!!! I’m so excited!!! I get to text with people who are in crisis. I get to do something I enjoy doing.. I can’t wait to start training. I’m in a better mood tonight. 

Update 

So I’m going to group today hoping it’s good. I. Also get to see my therapist today