Christmas Day

Fearless Friday- it’s here. Once a year  this day comes. Sometimes it’s filled with fresh bread, potatoes, stuffing and turkey. Other times it just may be a sandwich or a cup of coffee.  You may be surrounded by many. Or sitting alone. Either way – you have you with you.  Sometimes it may not feel […]

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Merry Christmas

For Christmas, I got makeup, jewelery, an iTunes giftcard, snowboots, and a hot chocolate it. They were all wonderful gifts!! I actually ate all my food at the meal… That was very anxiety provoking. I got through it, and that’s all that counts.

poem

Little Girl,

lost and alone,

With nowhere to go.

Restricting her food and cutting her wrists she tries to control.

She tries to hide from the memories and the pain.

Her innocence lost and taken away.

She tries to block it all out and just run away.

update for December 20th

So tonight for dinner, I had three bites of a pita wrap and some strawberry ice cream. I felt guilty for even eating that. It just feels so digusting to eat even that. I just wish I could eat food and not felel disgusted with myself. I’ve been having flashbacks of my past all day today. I just wish the flashbacks and nightmares would just go away…

update for today

So yesterday, I ate a piece of cake and some chocolate ice cream. I felt so guilty for doing this. Stupid eating disorder thoughts…. I just want to be normal. I want to live a life without mental illness, without abuse… Hope all my blogging friends are doing well. Sending virtual hugs. 🙂

randomness about therapy

So today’s therapy session was really intense. We talked about the abuse I went through, and we also talked about how that relates to me wanting control and trying to gain it by cutting or restricting my food intake. It’s a ccatch 22 though, because in reality, the food is controlling me. I almost cried. I wrote a poem and showed it to my therapist. He says I hould publish my poems. I wouldn’t know where to start with that. Most of my poetry is all about my abuse. I had nightmares all last night about the stuff that happened to me. I have some good news. I finished my breakfast this morning!! I’m so proud of myself. I’m not sure when this will happen again. I didn’t finish my lunch this afternoon though. Hope all is well with all my other blogging friends. All the best, sending virtual hugs.

update

So today, at breakfast, I had a dizzy spell. I’ve been having them now for awhile, but have been able to hide them from people. It’s all because I’m not eating enough… I plan on telling my therapist today about it.

Update

I just got out of the hospital. I went in for suicidal thoughts. I’m better now. I just wish I had a threapist who specializes in eating disorders. I had mostly salads this week.  I am looking forward to going home for Christmas. Not looking forward to all the food I’lll have to eat.