email I sent to my therapist trigger warning

Trigger warning:

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So, today is an anniversary date of when I witnessed babies being killed, and I can’t help but think of them and me on that day. I was only five. They killed the babies, then with the blood still on their hands, sexually abused me. They tortured me with electricity and put things inside me. One guy even raped me with a knife. I noticed I have some scars on the inside. I hope this isn’t to much for you. Beginning to not feel safe again. All these memories seem so real. I just want to cry, but I can’t. I just feel so alone. Amilia

It’s Rayette, and I just feel so sad and lost and alone. I feel like I’m going through all this on my own. I really want to cut right now… I feel like everything was my fault. I feel if I had only listened to them and did what they said, I wouldn’t have been hurt. I hope I can make it through my college classes without going back to the hospital. Thoughts of suicide are filtering to me from other alters. Sorry this email is so long, but I just have a lot to say. Just thinking about all I went through, and I’m scared. Just feeling really overwhelmed right now. Calling TazWood tomorrow to see if they worked with people with Dissociative identity disorder before. Just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live at Sharon Woods anymore. They can’t help me. If I went to the counselor and told them what was going on right now, they wouldn’t know what to do. I feel like my system is collapsing, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel like I’m fragmenting even more… There are 120 of us now. Not sure why they feel comfortable introducing themselves now, I guess it’s because they feel safe coming out now. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t want my abusers to find me. My mom keeps finding me on Facebook, and I don’t like it. I just wish I knew what to do. I just feel so alone and lost.

It Lucy, and me scared… I can remember daddy raping me and beating me every day. I can remember the men who raped me. Sometimes, it was one man, sometimes it was more than one at a time. I’m just so scared. I don’t feel safe…

Hey it’s Samantha, and I’m scared. I don’t feel safe at all. I want to die…

It’s Rayette, and I think we need long-term treatment. I just don’t know of any other way we can heal from all of this. Sorry again for this being so long. I just really need to talk to you. I just want to be normal again, not that I was ever normal before…. Like I said earlier, thoughts of suicide are filtering to me from other alters. It’s really scary. I just don’t know what to do. The social worker at the hospital told me that they ruled out DID, but it’s written on my records that I have it. I don’t know what to believe anymore, but I just can’t ignore the fact that my other personalities exist. They are real to me, and I can’t deny that. I hate my parents, I hate my brother, I hate my grandparents. I just really need to talk to you… I feel like my mind is going crazy. My thoughts are racing… I just don’t know what to do. Feeling very dissociated and floatie now…. Feelings of panic are coming back. I don’t want to go back to the hospital again… I don’t want to stay where I’m at either…]

Hoping she will respond.


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