Feeling suicidal

I haven’t self harmed in four months, but feel like doing it again. I feel like cutting so deep that nothing is left. Amelia
There are so many things I wish I could change. I wish I could go back and change the fact that I was sexually assaulted by this stupid bastard. I can’t though. I just wish I knew what to do. I don’t. I’m supposed to go see a sexual assault counselor today. My counselor yesterday told me the hospital wouldn’t help me because I didn’t care about goals or anything like that at that moment I do now though. Just feeling really suicidal. I had dreams of killing him last night. I had dreams of beating the shit out of him. He deserves to go to jail I don’t see why he is still here. I don’t feel safe with him living here. 
I just want to die. I just want all this pain to end. I’m just done with everything. I’m done with the memories and flashbacks and nightmares and we live in the trauma I’m talking about the sexual assault. I have more information to give to the police, but the officer he’s over my case won’t be back until tomorrow. I’m thinking about making this blog private so that only certain people can read it because people are reading it that I don’t want them to see. I’ve been struggling with restricting my food intake lately. After the assault, I can’t really eat that much. I just wish I could fix everything, but it feels like everything is falling apart.

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