JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE

HI, IT’S AMILIA, AND I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE. I KNOW WE TAKE A HEART MEDICATION AND THAT IF WE TAKE ALL OF IT WWE WILL DIE. I KNOW THAT EVEN IF WE GET TO THE HOSPITAL, THEY WONT ADMIT US BECAUSE THIS HAS HAPPENED THREE TIMES BEFORE, AND THEY JUST KEPT SENDING US HOME. I DONT SPEAK SO ITS HARD FOR ME TO COMMUNICATE TO THE STAFF BECAUSE THEY SAY THAT NONE OF THEM KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE. PLUS, WHEN WE WENT IN THIS LAST TIME THE STAFF SAID RUDE THINGS AS WE WERE BEING WHEELED INTO THE ER LIKE OH NO NOT HER AGAIN……. JUST CANT DO THIS ANYMORE. THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS DONT CARE.

when to be hospitalized for DID/mental health

so all the doctors that we keep seeing at the ER just keep telling us that they can’t help us. I told them that Amilia was suicidal, and in fact, she had been the one to take the two overdoses. The doctors simply said the ER wasn’t the place for us. I told hem that at least it would keep us safe so we can work through some things. The doctor said he couldn’t help with the alters, but we weren’t expecting hem to do that anyway. It’s just a really hard time for us, and with all the realizations we’ve had lately, we think it would be in our best interest to seek inpatient treatment. Plus what with all the eating issues and such going on…. I just don’t know. What are people’s thoughts on when to hospitalize for DID when doctors keep giving you the run around????? Thansk.

The collective

trigger warning: talk of MK abuse…..

So I have just learned that we are a system who suffered through MK Ultra abuse or mind control/programming. I found out that Amilia has been programmed by someone to kill us if things keep coming out that were meant to be hidden. I don’t know what to do about this. I just hope we can find treatment. I don’t know if there is treatment for this in IL. We have an appointment on Monday to see our therapist, but don’t think we will tell her right away as we think this is way over her head. I’m shocked at what I have learned, but I have also learned that I can’t let things shock me anymore, because we’ve already survived the worst things, the abuse. All I know is we need help, and people are turning a blind eye, no pun intended to our needs. I just hope we can get help and get it soon. There is a program through our local department of rehabilitation services program called the home services program. I know there in the process of that, but it could take up to six years for me to even get in. This program offers PA services, intermitent nursing care, medication monitoring through the PA, adult daycare, and respite services for people with disabilities under the age of sixty. We could really use some support right now as littles are freaking out, and some of the other insiders are still bent on this suicidal programming. I hope this has not triggered anyone.

Rayette

renpho Bluetooth body scale review

So got the renpho Bluetooth body scale a couple of days ago. I use it with the Android renpho app. The app is very accessible. The app doesn’t tell you when things are selected though, but the buttons are clearly labelled. Weight measurement is almost instantaneous. The scale has been FDA approved.

Tags{scale, review, weight}

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what to do?

So, Amilia doesn’t speak after a doctor told her she was not real. She has been leaving notes for me on my computer telling me how she wants to kill herself. She keeps overdosing on meds. The hospital keeps sending us home because they don’t know what to do for us. My new nickname for me is human pincushion. We’ve had two overdoses in the last three days. My alters can communicate with me, but I can’t speak back to them. Also, they will intentionally keep things from me to keep me from knowing them. I don’t know how to stop this, but I’m afraid that if we don’t do something soon, we’re all going to end u[ dead….

Tags {alters, DID, dissociative identity disorder, crisis, overdose, suicide, suicidal, hospital, trauma, triggers, medications}

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took an overdose and they still sent us home

So, I took an overdose of our meds, and they still sent us home…. We don’t know what to do from here… I’m doing all I can to keep the system safe, but I’m running out of ideas. Also, others within the system I don’t know who have been spending our money that would normally be used to pay the bills. So, now I don’t know if we will have enough money to pay the bills. Amilia now is mute because a doctor told her she was a game… What are we suppose to do now when one of us is suicidal because apparently going to the hospital isn’t working. We should not have survived on what we took.

Rayette

Going home, not okay

So, they have sent us home. This isn’t even legal or ethical. They just waited until the nurse who had talked to me earlier left, and then an ER doctor came in and basically said they were sending me home. Going to need all the support I can get. My case worker told me the other day that if I go to the hospital where they don’t think it is an emergency then my case worker will terminate services with them. Don’t know what I’m supposed to do. They only made like a two-sentence safety plan.

Desperate

So, we are trying our best to get help, but people are not listening to us. We came to the ER last night because the whole system was feeling suicidal and at one point I came back and my meds were all laid out to take. Last night, the worker that sauce was ready to admit us. I signed a voluntary form and everything. Then this morning another worker came in and she had called my psychiatrist and he said I wasn’t eligible for inpatient. Thank goodness the charge nurse listened to me and he called my psychiatrist back. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I hope we get the help we need. I have always been told that if I’m not feeling safe that I’m supposed to go to the ER which is what I did and everytime I go they just send us home with a stupid two-sentence safety plan. This is even more concerning because now I take a heart medication. I know that if we take that, in combination with other things we will not survive at least if we take all of it. I don’t mean this post to be triggering to any of my readers. From the collective