anorexia coming back

So, I think my anorexia is coming back. I hate eating. I hate gaining weight. I think if I eat that food, it will make me fat…. I just wish I didn’t have such irrational fears of food… I just want to be normal…

Last night 

So I was standing in line for dinner last night, and I told one of the residents that I was only eating half a sandwich. One of the other residents commented and said, “Are you trying to lose weight?” I said, “Yes,” and she said, “You don’t have anything to lose.” This is the worst thing you can say to someone strugglx with an eating disorder. Needless to say, it was really upsetting. My therapistst doesn’t specialize in eating disorders. I’ve looked all over the place for one that does, and the ones that do, don’t take Medicaid. This is so frustrating. Even the inpatient units around here don’t take Medicaid. Again, this is so frustrating. I live in the US. 

update 

So, I’ve made a relationship with one of the nurses here. We’ve agreed that I’m going to take three bites of everything on my plate. After a week of this, she’s going to reward me with nail polish. As long as I stick to my end of the bargain. I ended up cutting yesterday because of the memories. Yesterday was an anniversary day of things that happened to mo as a child. I have to learn to separate my ED voice from my own thoughts. 

another update

I failed miserably to eat any of my meals today. I just hate food. I fear food because I don’t want to gain weight. Food to me is fat… I just want to stop this cycle, but don’tknow how to get the control back. Food controls my life. I feel like if iI don’t eat, I have control, but really the food is controlling me…