Hi all, so I’m back from the program at hartgrove hospital in Chicago. I’m actually on my way back there to pick up my meds that they forgot to give me. When I saw trauma program online, I thought, oh yes, this is going to be a program that addresses the needs of someone with complex trauma. That was not to be the case. They only work with people with PTSD symptoms. They did a lot of Psych testing and an EEG. The EEG showed a lot of mood instability and depression. They started me on Lamictal. They are supposed to call me hopefully tomorrow to give me the results of all of the psych testing they did. They diagnosed me on discharge with PTSD and severe major depression. The borderline personality diagnosis is no longer there. They are still compiling the data for the did diagnosis, but they’re almost sure that is what it is at least that is what they are leaning towards. I will write more on my experiences there in subsequent blog posts.
Let me know if you can see this.
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It’s Ray, and I have a question….. Am I real? Sometimes, I feel like a shell of a person…. I feel deep sadness and pain and hurt and heartache, but I have to wonder, are those feelings real? Am I real? Are the people inside me real? Are they just figments of my imagination? Some days I know they’re real, but other days, I’m not so sure. Some days, I doubt the DID, but other days when I come back to find that 3 or 4 hours have passed and things have been done that I have no memory of have happened, then I can’t deny it. But I still have to wonder, is all this real, or am I just crazy???
The Internet is back up!!!! Yay!!!!!!! Watching one of my favorite YouTube VLOGGERS called the Killan Klan. They are awesome!!!!
So, our psychiatrist is leaving on the 14th of December. The office wasn’t even going to call his patients and tell them. They’re just going to send a letter in the mail giving us our options. They said it could be months before we see a psychiatrist again. I went to the doctor’s today because my heart was skipping beats. It was skipping like 4 or 5 beats in a minute. Sometimes it would be fine for a minute or two and then it would just go back to skipping. I had to go to the hospital outpatient clinic to get an EKG done. They’re putting another 48-hour Holter monitor on on the 29th. Plus, our internet is down, so I don’t have my computer to email people or to block with or do what I do on my computer. Our next psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be on January 4th. We haven’t seen him since the 31st of October. Don’t know when we’ll see a psychiatrist next. This couldn’t have come at a worse time with all the dissociation and everything that’s going on right now.
Here is one of the papers I wrote in college on the subject of self-injury. I look back at it to know my accomplishments. I ended up getting an A on this paper.
Self-injury as a drug research paper
English 102 Adam Cleary
Every day at school, Olivia is bullied because of her weight. She is also told that she shouldn’t be in the world anymore. She goes home every day looking forward to getting her next fix or “high” from taking a razor across her wrist. After doing this, she feels much better, if only for a moment. For that moment, all her pain melts away until the next time she is bullied, and then the process starts all over again. She keeps doing this until she becomes hopelessly addicted to it.
Self-injury is a drug. Just like Olivia, many people turn to self-injury to cope with their emotional pain. 14 to 24% of adults deal with this issue (NAMI.) Often people can’t afford the therapy or treatment to deal with this issue, so it spirals out of control. When self-injury gets out of hand, it can end in severe bodily disfigurement or even death.
A drug is any substance, product, or action that alters the chemistry of the brain or the cognitive functioning of a person. Long-term drug usage can lead to becoming addicted to the drug. This can result in accidental or intentional death. Dealing with the risk of death can also lead to medical complications. The use of drugs can also lead to academic problems because of the altered brain chemistry. The use of drugs can also become a financial burden to the user and his/her family and friends.
One drug I want to discuss is caffeine. Caffeine can become severely addicting causing headaches from withdrawal. So, have you experienced needing more of that drug? This means you are becoming more and more addicted to it. The same can be said for self-injury. People who injure themselves eventually will need more and more of the harm to get the result they want. Also a person’s pain tolerance increases each time they inflict pain on themselves. The combination of those two factors make this behavior seriously addicting.
Some people become so addicted to a drug that they don’t realize when they’ve taken too much of it and end up dying from an overdose. Self-injury can have the same repercussions. Some people may be in so much pain that they might even want to take their own lives and intentionally kill themselves by cutting. Still others may not want to die, but the injure themselves so severely that they do end up dying anyway.
Drug use can also lead too medical complications leading to hospitalization. People may need their stomach pumped because of an overdose. The brain could be permanently damaged from prolonged drug use. Self-injury has similar medical issues of its own. There can be permanent scarring and/or body disfigurement. Many people who self-injure also have a mental illness that requires hospitalization for stabilization.
Drug use can affect relationships with others such as family and friends. They may ask, “What did I do wrong that would make you turn to drugs.) They may even distance themselves from you because they don’t know what to do or say. Friends and family may even be angry, resentful, and even avoid you all together. Some of these are natural reactions. Self-injury can also be taken in the same way. The family may ask you why you hurt yourself. They may even tell you to just stop. I know from experience that that doesn’t work. The family may make you wear short sleeves in an attempt to “make” you stop.”
Some students may use drugs to make their performance scores on tests better or so they think. Still others may use it to get better concentration while taking notes. For instance, some students may go to drinking just before a class and then go and try to take a test. That won’t work because of a lack of coordination. Self-injury can have the same affects. It can become so dominant in a person’s life that it’s all the person thinks about, therefore, getting in the way of their studies. Also if a teacher sees a cut or scars, they may ask how it happened which could put rifts between the student and the teacher and break trust. It is estimated that 10 to 14% of college students engage in self-harm. (NAMI)
Drug use can also be a financial burden. The drug user’s supplies can cost a lot of cash. Also, it
Can affect the family’s financial budget. Just imagine you’re out on the streets because you got evicted from your apartment because of a drug bust where you lost a lot of money. Therefore, you couldn’t pay the rent. Self-injury can be just as devastating. You have to consider the cost of hospital bills, the cost of first-aid supplies, the burden that those bills will have on the family, and more. T
the numbers of people who self-harm is rising rapidly because treatment is lacking. The therapy and treatment is necessary to treat the underlying issues that caused the self-injury in the first place. This is not limited or excluding: PTSD, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and more. Society is now becoming more and more understanding and sympathetic towards drug abusers and addicts. Society should set up long-term treatment facilities to treat self-injurers just like the 28 day program for alcoholics recovering from alcoholism. These facilities would not let in “sharps”, such as razors, scissors, safety pins, paper clips, ectera. There should be at least three in each state or city to avoid overcrowding. This needs to happen to ensure there are enough beds to accommodate all the patients. Since this is the case, there needs to be more treatment centers or self-injury.
The issues behind self-injury can be very extensive for the person suffering with it. These can include” mental illness, child abuse and more.So, knowing all this information, wouldn’t you agree?
We’ve reached 500 posts on our blog!!!! This is so amazing!!!!!!!Thanks to all who read and comment on our posts. Love you all.
I feel like a ship tossed to and fro.
Pushed out to sea and pulled back in again.
Just feel like I’m a pawn in a game of tug of war.
Just feels like a fight I will never win.
Just feel like the darkness will engulf me alive,
And that I will never get the chance to just heal and thrive.
Hi, it’s Ray, and I just cant keep doing this. I need something for this depression. There are insiders who are stockpiling our sleep meds and anxiety meds. Although, you cant overdose on buspar. We cant go to our local ER because people don’t understand… Our caseworker told us that the ER didn’t want us there anymore and to not go there again for psych. To go to the next city would cost us $40 which we don’t have. Just could really use a friend.