suicidal….

So, I just cant keep dealing with the flashbacks anymore. I hate the nightmares. Goingto try and cook something to distract but don’t know what to do after that. Amilia, Millie, and Enigma are also suicidal…. They have plans… Cant go to the local hospital because they don’t help. Plus, I don’t care anymore. Im losing the will to keep fighting…

Ray

the correct email to my team

I appreciate all of what you all do for us. The DID diagnosis was confirmed in therapy session on Wednesday. I know I may be difficult at times to deal with, but I want you to know that we’re trying. I’m fighting for the survival of this body and fighting for the chance to heal from my past. I need to know all of what happened to me so that I can heal from it. This may take a very long time to do, but even through the hard times, I need all of you to be there for us. If we do attempt suicide or self-harm, it’s not for attention. It’s because the pain we’re in is to great to live with. I wish that could be communicated to the ospital as well. They don’t understand DID at all. It’s going to take a lot of time and hard work, but I know some day, we will heal. Even if we fail, we will keep trying. There may be days where we want to give up, but you have to encourage us to keep going no matter how much we may not want to do it. If that means you have to put us somewhere to keep us safe, then that is what that means. No matter how much we resist, you have to keep pushing. There are some inside who don’t want to keep going or live, and they need to be worked with. We know we are a xomplex system, but with time and compassionate people, we can learn to work as a team.

Please forward this to everyone on the team.

email to my treatment team

Here is an email I sent to my caseworker to send to our treatment team.

Yes, they’re still there. Here’s an email I sent to Vicky earlier hich she hasn’t replied to yet.

I appreciate all of what you all do for us. The DID diagnosis was confirmed in therapy session on Wednesday. I know I may be difficult at times to deal with, but I want you to know that we’re trying. I’m fighting for the survival of this body and fighting for the chance to heal from my past. I need to know all of what happened to me so that I can heal from it. This may take a very long time to do, but even through the hard times, I need all of you to be there for us. If we do attempt suicide or self-harm, it’s not for attention. It’s because the pain we’re in is to great to live with. I wish that could be communicated to the ospital as well. They don’t understand DID at all. It’s going to take a lot of time and hard work, but I know some day, we will heal. Even if we fail, we will keep trying. There may be days where we want to give up, but you have to encourage us to keep going no matter how much we may not want to do it. If that means you have to put us somewhere to keep us safe, then that is what that means. No matter how much we resist, you have to keep pushing. There are some inside who don’t want to keep going or live, and they need to be worked with. We know we are a xomplex system, but with time and compassionate people, we can learn to work as a team.

Please forward this to everyone on the team.

From: Gelana McCloud [mailto:gelanamccloud]
Sent: Friday, November 17, 2017 9:46 PM
To: Rayette <rayette.rucker23>
Subject: Re: no lseep and feeling overwhelmed…..

The procedure was done today. 5 dark entities were removed from your left wrist and hand. Are the darks still present?

G

Cardiology appointment

Went to the cardiologists today and they said I could have one of three things postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, orthostatic hypotension, or inappropriate sinus tachycardia. We have to have an echocardiogram done and we also have to see an electrophysiologist. I looked up what that kind of doctor is and it freaks me out. The doctor told me to stay hydrated taking extra salt and if my heart rate stayed above 130 even after sitting down for longer than 15 minutes I’m supposed to go to the ER for medical attention. They wanted to put a 21-day bodyguardian monitor on me, but my stupid freaking Medicaid wouldn’t cover it. They also want me to wear compression socks.

therapy today

So we had therapy today, and Tabbitha came out and talked to our therapist. She said how she was afraid of the hospital and how she was afraid of the dark alters. She’s afraid of what Amilia will do. She doesn’t trust any of them. We’re supposed to make a list of all the atlers and their jobs. Gelana told us to do our best on making the list. We’re supposed ot make a google doc for the file so she can see it so ebverythime it needs updating, she will be able to see the updates. She also wants us to make a list of our tirggers that trigger the others to come out. She did the assessment for DID and confirmed it.

good newsffffffffffffffto !

So I get to go to the trauma disorders program. I’m getting Meridian Medicaid starting on December 1. Ikm looking forard to this. I also found a therapist who understands DID. She’s willing to consult with my current therapist and provide additional support since mycurrent therapist knows not a lot about DID.

SOS!!!!!!

So its Rayette, and im just feeling like total crap. Weve had five suicide attempts in the past month no make that six. We keep going to the hospital for help after each attempt, but they keep sending us home. Dealing with programming stuff and feeling very triggered and alone. Just need a friend. Just want to die!!!!!!!!! There are alters who have plans that they feel like they have to go through with them because of the programming… Someone please talk to us!!!!!!!!!! Just want to end it all!!!!!!!

dealing with suicidal programming

So, I don’t know what to do about whats going on. Im dealing with three alters who are dealing with suicidal programming. I went shopping the other day and came back from shopping and found a bottle of Tylenol in my bag that I don’t remember buying. Every time I try to throw away the Tylenol, they take over and hide tit form me. Also found out that being locked up in the hospital is a trigger for the others, so cant go to the hospital. Also cant go to the hospital because the ER already told me that if I go there again for psych, we will be involuntarily committed to an institution. Also found out that I have another apartment inspection on the 15th and if I don’t pass it, they will begin eviction proceedings. Amilia thinks it would be beter to be dead than homeless…. Just don’t know what to do.