Did I vanish?

Did I finish? That’s the question many of you maybe wondering at this point. I haven’t blogged for almost 3 months. No, I was just in a psychiatric hospital for that long. The only thing they did for me was medicate me and send me on my way. I was promised by a judge and a doctor when I went to the state hospital that I would get trauma therapy and that things will turn out to be great. They told me the snooze so I would go willingly to this hospital to get treatment. They only told me all of this so I would go to the hospital willingly. The police told me after I reported the sexual assault that they could not prosecute my ex-boyfriend because of my mental illness.

Feeling suicidal

I haven’t self harmed in four months, but feel like doing it again. I feel like cutting so deep that nothing is left. Amelia
There are so many things I wish I could change. I wish I could go back and change the fact that I was sexually assaulted by this stupid bastard. I can’t though. I just wish I knew what to do. I don’t. I’m supposed to go see a sexual assault counselor today. My counselor yesterday told me the hospital wouldn’t help me because I didn’t care about goals or anything like that at that moment I do now though. Just feeling really suicidal. I had dreams of killing him last night. I had dreams of beating the shit out of him. He deserves to go to jail I don’t see why he is still here. I don’t feel safe with him living here. 
I just want to die. I just want all this pain to end. I’m just done with everything. I’m done with the memories and flashbacks and nightmares and we live in the trauma I’m talking about the sexual assault. I have more information to give to the police, but the officer he’s over my case won’t be back until tomorrow. I’m thinking about making this blog private so that only certain people can read it because people are reading it that I don’t want them to see. I’ve been struggling with restricting my food intake lately. After the assault, I can’t really eat that much. I just wish I could fix everything, but it feels like everything is falling apart.

Assaulted

So I’m going to trigger worn this post. Talks of sexual assault.

So on March 4 at night, I brought up the idea of sex to my boyfriend. He told me he wasn’t going to use protection so I said no and he did it anyway. He didn’t manage to penetrate me, but after he was done he cleaned up the evidence with some wipes so no one would find out I was asked why I didn’t fight or push him off or scream. I couldn’t. He was twice my size. And I froze. It just brought back so many memories from the past. Not sure why I waited until 18 March to tell, but I did. People ask me why I didn’t tell her sooner and I can’t give them an answer. I then called the police and filed a report. The police were not very nice. I then talked to a public health nurse the next day and he seemed really nice. I will get justice, no matter what it takes.

Angry thoughts

I’m tired of these fucking nurses who think they know everything about my body. They think they know better than I do about what’s going on with me. I’m going in to a heart clinic to get tested for more things. I had an EKG yesterday and they’re hoping to get it back today. I’m just so frustrated and angry right now. I don’t know what to do with it all. I have therapy today at two, and I don’t know how that’s going to go. I hate things being medically wrong with us. It just triggers so much for us. If anyone out there is reading this please comment and since support my way. I need some encouragement right now.

Worried about a possible heart trouble

So, I’m worried that I might have a problem with my heart. This morning my pulse was 87 sitting down and when I stood up it went up to 140 almost. The nurse took my pulse and said my pulse was thready and very fast. This was when I was standing up. The CNEs don’t normally take my post when I’m standing up so they don’t notice that it gets a higher when I stand. She’s going to call the doctor today and will see what he recommends. I thought it would be a good idea for me to wear a heart monitor for at least a week so they could track my pulse rate and heart rate and see if my heart is skipping beats and things like that. I’m cold and tired all the time. The nurse said it could be my thyroid, it could be medication related, it could be dehydration or a number of different things. We’ll see what the doctor says.

Frustrations!

So, I went to sleep at around 930 last night and woke up at around 130. I’ve been went back to sleep and woke up at like 330, and then I went back to sleep and woke up around 530. I decided to stay awake then because I knew I wasn’t going to get any more sleep. I then went to ask if I could take a shower on third shift, and they told me to wait until first shift got here. So I waited until first shift I got here and ask them. They told me that they could help me, so I went to turn on the music in my bathroom because I can’t take a shower without music playing or I’ll have a panic attack. Then, one of my sweet mates decided to go tell the staff that the music was bothering her. I will leave around three older ladies all in their 60s, and I’m 24. I’m just frustrated by this whole thing. I live around three other ladies who are like in their 60s. The music was coming through my iPod speaker which isn’t very loud. Yesterday, my boyfriend made a smell some of his cologne and ask and body wash. It triggered some other insiders to do their programming. They wanted to die. I did everything I could to keep them from coming out. I guess I was successful, but I was up most the night last night because I couldn’t sleep because they kept saying things to me. I just want to leave this place. I hate living here. I hope this post isn’t too long, but I hope more people read my blog now. I will try to tag this post, but don’t know how successful I will be as I’m using the iPod app. If anyone is out there reading this, I would appreciate some support as I am struggling today. I don’t even know what to tell my counselor later today after our DBT group.

A day of emotions

So, yesterday, my boyfriend broke up with me and got back together with me on the space of an hour. I went there so many emotions yesterday it wasn’t even funny. I was happy, sad, angry, frustrated, and then loved all at once. I’m just glad everything worked out, but I hope he never does that again. That was a very hard thing for me to go through. I think I overreacted though, but that is normal for me.