email I sent to my therapist about being real…..

Hi,

It’s Ray, and I have a question….. Am I real? Sometimes, I feel like a shell of a person…. I feel deep sadness and pain and hurt and heartache, but I have to wonder, are those feelings real? Am I real? Are the people inside me real? Are they just figments of my imagination? Some days I know they’re real, but other days, I’m not so sure. Some days, I doubt the DID, but other days when I come back to find that 3 or 4 hours have passed and things have been done that I have no memory of have happened, then I can’t deny it. But I still have to wonder, is all this real, or am I just crazy???

Ray

Psychiatrist is leaving and Cardiology update

So, our psychiatrist is leaving on the 14th of December. The office wasn’t even going to call his patients and tell them. They’re just going to send a letter in the mail giving us our options. They said it could be months before we see a psychiatrist again. I went to the doctor’s today because my heart was skipping beats. It was skipping like 4 or 5 beats in a minute. Sometimes it would be fine for a minute or two and then it would just go back to skipping. I had to go to the hospital outpatient clinic to get an EKG done. They’re putting another 48-hour Holter monitor on on the 29th. Plus, our internet is down, so I don’t have my computer to email people or to block with or do what I do on my computer. Our next psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be on January 4th. We haven’t seen him since the 31st of October. Don’t know when we’ll see a psychiatrist next. This couldn’t have come at a worse time with all the dissociation and everything that’s going on right now.

poetry

I feel like a ship tossed to and fro.

Pushed out to sea and pulled back in again.

Just feel like I’m a pawn in a game of tug of war.

Just feels like a fight I will never win.

Just feel like the darkness will engulf me alive,

And that I will never get the chance to just heal and thrive.

need a friend…

Hi, it’s Ray, and I just cant keep doing this. I need something for this depression. There are insiders who are stockpiling our sleep meds and anxiety meds. Although, you cant overdose on buspar. We cant go to our local ER because people don’t understand… Our caseworker told us that the ER didn’t want us there anymore and to not go there again for psych. To go to the next city would cost us $40 which we don’t have. Just could really use a friend.

Ray

the correct email to my team

I appreciate all of what you all do for us. The DID diagnosis was confirmed in therapy session on Wednesday. I know I may be difficult at times to deal with, but I want you to know that we’re trying. I’m fighting for the survival of this body and fighting for the chance to heal from my past. I need to know all of what happened to me so that I can heal from it. This may take a very long time to do, but even through the hard times, I need all of you to be there for us. If we do attempt suicide or self-harm, it’s not for attention. It’s because the pain we’re in is to great to live with. I wish that could be communicated to the ospital as well. They don’t understand DID at all. It’s going to take a lot of time and hard work, but I know some day, we will heal. Even if we fail, we will keep trying. There may be days where we want to give up, but you have to encourage us to keep going no matter how much we may not want to do it. If that means you have to put us somewhere to keep us safe, then that is what that means. No matter how much we resist, you have to keep pushing. There are some inside who don’t want to keep going or live, and they need to be worked with. We know we are a xomplex system, but with time and compassionate people, we can learn to work as a team.

Please forward this to everyone on the team.

therapy today

So we had therapy today, and Tabbitha came out and talked to our therapist. She said how she was afraid of the hospital and how she was afraid of the dark alters. She’s afraid of what Amilia will do. She doesn’t trust any of them. We’re supposed to make a list of all the atlers and their jobs. Gelana told us to do our best on making the list. We’re supposed ot make a google doc for the file so she can see it so ebverythime it needs updating, she will be able to see the updates. She also wants us to make a list of our tirggers that trigger the others to come out. She did the assessment for DID and confirmed it.

good newsffffffffffffffto !

So I get to go to the trauma disorders program. I’m getting Meridian Medicaid starting on December 1. Ikm looking forard to this. I also found a therapist who understands DID. She’s willing to consult with my current therapist and provide additional support since mycurrent therapist knows not a lot about DID.