Eating issues possible trigger warning for mention of weight

In the last two months I have gone from 153 pounds to 119 pounds and I am 5‘3“ tall. I don’t want to admit it, but I think this is an eating disorder relapse. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before in my blog, but I struggled with anorexia for a total of 10 years. My caseworker just attributes the weight-loss to stress and depression, but she even told me that if it gets to the point where I am obsessing over calories and have a fear of gaining weight that that’s when it becomes a problem and a disorder. I don’t think this living on my own thing is working out as well as I hoped it would. I just need more support than what I can provide for myself. I was told by my therapist at the center against sexual assault that I needed to go to and more intensive therapy or residential place, but Medicaid doesn’t pay for residential, so I’m kind of out of luck there. If anyone has any resources on Medicaid and eating disorder treatment, please let me know.

anorexia coming back

So, I think my anorexia is coming back. I hate eating. I hate gaining weight. I think if I eat that food, it will make me fat…. I just wish I didn’t have such irrational fears of food… I just want to be normal…

update 

So, I’ve made a relationship with one of the nurses here. We’ve agreed that I’m going to take three bites of everything on my plate. After a week of this, she’s going to reward me with nail polish. As long as I stick to my end of the bargain. I ended up cutting yesterday because of the memories. Yesterday was an anniversary day of things that happened to mo as a child. I have to learn to separate my ED voice from my own thoughts. 

another update

I failed miserably to eat any of my meals today. I just hate food. I fear food because I don’t want to gain weight. Food to me is fat… I just want to stop this cycle, but don’tknow how to get the control back. Food controls my life. I feel like if iI don’t eat, I have control, but really the food is controlling me…

trigger talk of eating disorders 

update trigger talk of eating disorders

so my therapist told me today that i meet all the signs of anorexia except being underweight. I had to promise my therapist I would eat an entire meal this week. I’m honestly not ready to give up my behavior, because it’s become like a friend to me. I restrict my food intake. I’m just looking for support. I know it’s not healthy, but I keep doing it. It’s like the food has the control. I feel as if I’ve lost control. Not sure how to get it back.