poetry

I feel like a ship tossed to and fro.

Pushed out to sea and pulled back in again.

Just feel like I’m a pawn in a game of tug of war.

Just feels like a fight I will never win.

Just feel like the darkness will engulf me alive,

And that I will never get the chance to just heal and thrive.

need a friend…

Hi, it’s Ray, and I just cant keep doing this. I need something for this depression. There are insiders who are stockpiling our sleep meds and anxiety meds. Although, you cant overdose on buspar. We cant go to our local ER because people don’t understand… Our caseworker told us that the ER didn’t want us there anymore and to not go there again for psych. To go to the next city would cost us $40 which we don’t have. Just could really use a friend.

Ray

the correct email to my team

I appreciate all of what you all do for us. The DID diagnosis was confirmed in therapy session on Wednesday. I know I may be difficult at times to deal with, but I want you to know that we’re trying. I’m fighting for the survival of this body and fighting for the chance to heal from my past. I need to know all of what happened to me so that I can heal from it. This may take a very long time to do, but even through the hard times, I need all of you to be there for us. If we do attempt suicide or self-harm, it’s not for attention. It’s because the pain we’re in is to great to live with. I wish that could be communicated to the ospital as well. They don’t understand DID at all. It’s going to take a lot of time and hard work, but I know some day, we will heal. Even if we fail, we will keep trying. There may be days where we want to give up, but you have to encourage us to keep going no matter how much we may not want to do it. If that means you have to put us somewhere to keep us safe, then that is what that means. No matter how much we resist, you have to keep pushing. There are some inside who don’t want to keep going or live, and they need to be worked with. We know we are a xomplex system, but with time and compassionate people, we can learn to work as a team.

Please forward this to everyone on the team.

SOS!!!!!!

So its Rayette, and im just feeling like total crap. Weve had five suicide attempts in the past month no make that six. We keep going to the hospital for help after each attempt, but they keep sending us home. Dealing with programming stuff and feeling very triggered and alone. Just need a friend. Just want to die!!!!!!!!! There are alters who have plans that they feel like they have to go through with them because of the programming… Someone please talk to us!!!!!!!!!! Just want to end it all!!!!!!!

dealing with suicidal programming

So, I don’t know what to do about whats going on. Im dealing with three alters who are dealing with suicidal programming. I went shopping the other day and came back from shopping and found a bottle of Tylenol in my bag that I don’t remember buying. Every time I try to throw away the Tylenol, they take over and hide tit form me. Also found out that being locked up in the hospital is a trigger for the others, so cant go to the hospital. Also cant go to the hospital because the ER already told me that if I go there again for psych, we will be involuntarily committed to an institution. Also found out that I have another apartment inspection on the 15th and if I don’t pass it, they will begin eviction proceedings. Amilia thinks it would be beter to be dead than homeless…. Just don’t know what to do.

apartment inspection and other things

Y apartment inspection. I also cant get a PA for at least the next 8 months. I cant afford to lose this place. Don’t know what to do. The center for independent living cant help me. Im freaking out right now. I cant be homeless!!!!!!!!!!!!

CANT DO THIS!!!!!!

HI, ITS AMILIA, AND I JUST CANT DO THIS. I BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF TYLENOL. GOING TO TRY AND GO TO SLEEP TO GET MY MIND OFF THINGS, BUT IF I CANT….. I DON’T KNOW. SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE SUPPORT. I COULD REALLY USE IT RIGHT NOW. FEELING LIKE I WANT TO JUST END THINGS……

Amilia

Amilia feeling like shit

So, it’s Amilia, and I’m feeling like total shit. Just want to fucking die. Just really need a friend. Cant take the memories anymore….. Please if anyone’s out there, I need someone. Please feel free to email me at

Rayette.rucker23

I will answer. You can also comment on here.

just cant fucking do this!!!!!!!!

I cant keep living with this depression. Tried to call my psych back today, and she was supposed to call me bak earlier ghis afternoln, I mean my psych’s nurse was supposed to call back. She’s not calling back until tomorrow. They’re looking for another place besides Passavant for me to get help.

Rayette

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

going to end it

ITS AMILIA AND IM JUST DONE. THE HOSPITAL DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT US. JUST GOING TO KILL MYSELF….. RAYETTE TRIED PLEADING WITH THE DOCTOR, BUT TO NO AVAIL. WE CANT LIVE BY OURSELVES WITHOUT THE PROPPER SUPPORT. JUST GOING TO SLIT MY FUCKING WRISTS….. JUST WANT THIS FUCKING PAIN TO STOP!!!!!!!!!

AMILIA AGE 16

Sent from Mail for Windows 10