Psychiatrist is leaving and Cardiology update

So, our psychiatrist is leaving on the 14th of December. The office wasn’t even going to call his patients and tell them. They’re just going to send a letter in the mail giving us our options. They said it could be months before we see a psychiatrist again. I went to the doctor’s today because my heart was skipping beats. It was skipping like 4 or 5 beats in a minute. Sometimes it would be fine for a minute or two and then it would just go back to skipping. I had to go to the hospital outpatient clinic to get an EKG done. They’re putting another 48-hour Holter monitor on on the 29th. Plus, our internet is down, so I don’t have my computer to email people or to block with or do what I do on my computer. Our next psychiatrist appointment was supposed to be on January 4th. We haven’t seen him since the 31st of October. Don’t know when we’ll see a psychiatrist next. This couldn’t have come at a worse time with all the dissociation and everything that’s going on right now.

need a friend…

Hi, it’s Ray, and I just cant keep doing this. I need something for this depression. There are insiders who are stockpiling our sleep meds and anxiety meds. Although, you cant overdose on buspar. We cant go to our local ER because people don’t understand… Our caseworker told us that the ER didn’t want us there anymore and to not go there again for psych. To go to the next city would cost us $40 which we don’t have. Just could really use a friend.

Ray

psychiatrist appointment

So, we had our psychiatrist appointment yesterday, and the doctor put me on Ambian for sleep and Buspar for anxiety. He said he couldn’t put us on anything else because of the possibility of us overdosing….. I can understand that, but I need something for this fucking depression and these mood shifts. I told him about our panic attacks that would get so bad that I would end up dissociating because I would get so overwhelmed that another part would take over and end up doing harm to the body. He’s starting me off on ten MG of Buspar three times a day and five MG of ambian at bedtime. The manager of the clinic is working on getting me into an inpatient program for trauma disorders. I hate it when people tell me that Jesus can heal a chemical imbalance. I hate stupid religion. I don’t like it when people throw Scripture at me like it’s the answer to everything. If things would be solved just by praying about it, then we wouldn’t need meds or therapists, and the psychiatrists and therapists would be without a job. Don’t know how much more of this depression I can take.

Rayette

Sadness frustration and struggles

So, we are all feeling very alone tonight. The agencies that were supposed to help us or letting us down. We had to find alternative therapy because the therapist that is they set us up with when we were in the hospital knows nothing about our condition. That therapist doesn’t know anything about trauma. The agency that could help us with independent living can’t because I’m not over 65 but I’m over 18. I just don’t understand. Having trouble managing Mantz by myself, because it’s like someone else takes over before it’s time to take them and we end up missing doses. That’s not good, because I take Depakote, and if the blood level of that medication gets too low, that’s just not a good thing. My psychiatrist saw me last Wednesday, and he’s not seeing me again until 31 October. My therapy is online, so I hope this works. My caseworker is an exactly reliable. One of my teachers was texting me the other day and she asked me well isn’t this what you wanted to live on your own, but she was talking from a person with a visual impairments point of you. She doesn’t know what it’s like to live with mental illness and a visual impairment. If anyone has any tips they would be greatly appreciated. I’m so tired but can’t sleep go to sleep or I’m too afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares. They’re just getting more and more vivid. I woke up this morning and it wasn’t me who was out. I came out around noon because I heard the crockpot boiling and it brought me back to myself. So that was kind of scary.

downgraded my blog

So, I had to downgrade my blog… Ended up spending more money than I intended on spending. I have almost 130 followers on my blog!!!!! Keep the follows coming!!!!

Monday ramblings 

so, I had to ask God for forgiveness because I went through a phase where I said I didn’t believe in him. The thing about borderline personality disorder, is that my beliefs and thoughts can change in an instant. 

feeling lonely!!!!

I’m feeling like I’m the only one with DID. I know it’s not true, but it feels so lonely right now. Anyone available to talk? If so, you can email me at rayette.rucker23@gmail.com. I could really use a friend right now. Trying to make it through this rough patch.

today’s update

So, I ate three bites of everything on my plate today at breakfast and lunch. My eating disorder is winning. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing hope. Not sure where to turn. People tell me I look pretty but I don’t believe them. I see fat when I “Look” at myself (as I am blind). I can’t really see myself. I look ugly. At least, that’s what my eating disorder voice says.

update for tonight

Having a pretty okay dalbany care becaue of the self harming behaviors. I’m moving back in with my foster mom to go back to school and get on with my life. I will be paying her rent to live there. I will get counseling and psychiatry in my area. That’s about it for now.ayso far. I didn’t get accepted to 

update

So I spoke with the main staff at my group home, and she said that I needed a higher level of care. On Tuesday, we are going to contact albany care to see if they got my referral. I don’t think she was happy that I had to leave the group  home. I hope I can get in. A former vision teacher of mine said she might be able to take me to the place since otherwise, i  would have to take the Mega Bus or amtrak. If I took amtrak, I would have to pay $45 extra for the rest of my luggage. I hope this all works out, and at least at albany care, I will have mopre staff to talk to.