email I sent to my therapist about being real…..

Hi,

It’s Ray, and I have a question….. Am I real? Sometimes, I feel like a shell of a person…. I feel deep sadness and pain and hurt and heartache, but I have to wonder, are those feelings real? Am I real? Are the people inside me real? Are they just figments of my imagination? Some days I know they’re real, but other days, I’m not so sure. Some days, I doubt the DID, but other days when I come back to find that 3 or 4 hours have passed and things have been done that I have no memory of have happened, then I can’t deny it. But I still have to wonder, is all this real, or am I just crazy???

Ray

a research paper I wrote in college on self-injury

Here is one of the papers I wrote in college on the subject of self-injury. I look back at it to know my accomplishments. I ended up getting an A on this paper.

Self-injury as a drug research paper

Rayette Rucker

English 102 Adam Cleary

Every day at school, Olivia is bullied because of her weight. She is also told that she shouldn’t be in the world anymore. She goes home every day looking forward to getting her next fix or “high” from taking a razor across her wrist. After doing this, she feels much better, if only for a moment. For that moment, all her pain melts away until the next time she is bullied, and then the process starts all over again. She keeps doing this until she becomes hopelessly addicted to it.

Self-injury is a drug. Just like Olivia, many people turn to self-injury to cope with their emotional pain. 14 to 24% of adults deal with this issue (NAMI.) Often people can’t afford the therapy or treatment to deal with this issue, so it spirals out of control. When self-injury gets out of hand, it can end in severe bodily disfigurement or even death.

A drug is any substance, product, or action that alters the chemistry of the brain or the cognitive functioning of a person. Long-term drug usage can lead to becoming addicted to the drug. This can result in accidental or intentional death. Dealing with the risk of death can also lead to medical complications. The use of drugs can also lead to academic problems because of the altered brain chemistry. The use of drugs can also become a financial burden to the user and his/her family and friends.

One drug I want to discuss is caffeine. Caffeine can become severely addicting causing headaches from withdrawal. So, have you experienced needing more of that drug? This means you are becoming more and more addicted to it. The same can be said for self-injury. People who injure themselves eventually will need more and more of the harm to get the result they want. Also a person’s pain tolerance increases each time they inflict pain on themselves. The combination of those two factors make this behavior seriously addicting.

Some people become so addicted to a drug that they don’t realize when they’ve taken too much of it and end up dying from an overdose. Self-injury can have the same repercussions. Some people may be in so much pain that they might even want to take their own lives and intentionally kill themselves by cutting. Still others may not want to die, but the injure themselves so severely that they do end up dying anyway.

Drug use can also lead too medical complications leading to hospitalization. People may need their stomach pumped because of an overdose. The brain could be permanently damaged from prolonged drug use. Self-injury has similar medical issues of its own. There can be permanent scarring and/or body disfigurement. Many people who self-injure also have a mental illness that requires hospitalization for stabilization.

Drug use can affect relationships with others such as family and friends. They may ask, “What did I do wrong that would make you turn to drugs.) They may even distance themselves from you because they don’t know what to do or say. Friends and family may even be angry, resentful, and even avoid you all together. Some of these are natural reactions. Self-injury can also be taken in the same way. The family may ask you why you hurt yourself. They may even tell you to just stop. I know from experience that that doesn’t work. The family may make you wear short sleeves in an attempt to “make” you stop.”

Some students may use drugs to make their performance scores on tests better or so they think. Still others may use it to get better concentration while taking notes. For instance, some students may go to drinking just before a class and then go and try to take a test. That won’t work because of a lack of coordination. Self-injury can have the same affects. It can become so dominant in a person’s life that it’s all the person thinks about, therefore, getting in the way of their studies. Also if a teacher sees a cut or scars, they may ask how it happened which could put rifts between the student and the teacher and break trust. It is estimated that 10 to 14% of college students engage in self-harm. (NAMI)

Drug use can also be a financial burden. The drug user’s supplies can cost a lot of cash. Also, it

Can affect the family’s financial budget. Just imagine you’re out on the streets because you got evicted from your apartment because of a drug bust where you lost a lot of money. Therefore, you couldn’t pay the rent. Self-injury can be just as devastating. You have to consider the cost of hospital bills, the cost of first-aid supplies, the burden that those bills will have on the family, and more. T

the numbers of people who self-harm is rising rapidly because treatment is lacking. The therapy and treatment is necessary to treat the underlying issues that caused the self-injury in the first place. This is not limited or excluding: PTSD, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and more. Society is now becoming more and more understanding and sympathetic towards drug abusers and addicts. Society should set up long-term treatment facilities to treat self-injurers just like the 28 day program for alcoholics recovering from alcoholism. These facilities would not let in “sharps”, such as razors, scissors, safety pins, paper clips, ectera. There should be at least three in each state or city to avoid overcrowding. This needs to happen to ensure there are enough beds to accommodate all the patients. Since this is the case, there needs to be more treatment centers or self-injury.

The issues behind self-injury can be very extensive for the person suffering with it. These can include” mental illness, child abuse and more.So, knowing all this information, wouldn’t you agree?

poetry

I feel like a ship tossed to and fro.

Pushed out to sea and pulled back in again.

Just feel like I’m a pawn in a game of tug of war.

Just feels like a fight I will never win.

Just feel like the darkness will engulf me alive,

And that I will never get the chance to just heal and thrive.

the correct email to my team

I appreciate all of what you all do for us. The DID diagnosis was confirmed in therapy session on Wednesday. I know I may be difficult at times to deal with, but I want you to know that we’re trying. I’m fighting for the survival of this body and fighting for the chance to heal from my past. I need to know all of what happened to me so that I can heal from it. This may take a very long time to do, but even through the hard times, I need all of you to be there for us. If we do attempt suicide or self-harm, it’s not for attention. It’s because the pain we’re in is to great to live with. I wish that could be communicated to the ospital as well. They don’t understand DID at all. It’s going to take a lot of time and hard work, but I know some day, we will heal. Even if we fail, we will keep trying. There may be days where we want to give up, but you have to encourage us to keep going no matter how much we may not want to do it. If that means you have to put us somewhere to keep us safe, then that is what that means. No matter how much we resist, you have to keep pushing. There are some inside who don’t want to keep going or live, and they need to be worked with. We know we are a xomplex system, but with time and compassionate people, we can learn to work as a team.

Please forward this to everyone on the team.

therapy today

So we had therapy today, and Tabbitha came out and talked to our therapist. She said how she was afraid of the hospital and how she was afraid of the dark alters. She’s afraid of what Amilia will do. She doesn’t trust any of them. We’re supposed to make a list of all the atlers and their jobs. Gelana told us to do our best on making the list. We’re supposed ot make a google doc for the file so she can see it so ebverythime it needs updating, she will be able to see the updates. She also wants us to make a list of our tirggers that trigger the others to come out. She did the assessment for DID and confirmed it.

good newsffffffffffffffto !

So I get to go to the trauma disorders program. I’m getting Meridian Medicaid starting on December 1. Ikm looking forard to this. I also found a therapist who understands DID. She’s willing to consult with my current therapist and provide additional support since mycurrent therapist knows not a lot about DID.

SOS!!!!!!

So its Rayette, and im just feeling like total crap. Weve had five suicide attempts in the past month no make that six. We keep going to the hospital for help after each attempt, but they keep sending us home. Dealing with programming stuff and feeling very triggered and alone. Just need a friend. Just want to die!!!!!!!!! There are alters who have plans that they feel like they have to go through with them because of the programming… Someone please talk to us!!!!!!!!!! Just want to end it all!!!!!!!