Eating issues possible trigger warning for mention of weight

In the last two months I have gone from 153 pounds to 119 pounds and I am 5‘3“ tall. I don’t want to admit it, but I think this is an eating disorder relapse. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before in my blog, but I struggled with anorexia for a total of 10 years. My caseworker just attributes the weight-loss to stress and depression, but she even told me that if it gets to the point where I am obsessing over calories and have a fear of gaining weight that that’s when it becomes a problem and a disorder. I don’t think this living on my own thing is working out as well as I hoped it would. I just need more support than what I can provide for myself. I was told by my therapist at the center against sexual assault that I needed to go to and more intensive therapy or residential place, but Medicaid doesn’t pay for residential, so I’m kind of out of luck there. If anyone has any resources on Medicaid and eating disorder treatment, please let me know.

anorexia coming back

So, I think my anorexia is coming back. I hate eating. I hate gaining weight. I think if I eat that food, it will make me fat…. I just wish I didn’t have such irrational fears of food… I just want to be normal…

Amilia

So, last night, some alters were suicidal because of the flashbacks and nightmares. They put us on one to one last night, but communication got lost between second and third shift staff as the people this morning said I was on fifteen minute checks.
Hi, it’s Amilia, and I’m having food issues. Last night the kitchen gave us two peanut Butter sandwiches and chocolate milk. I also drank 64 ounces of water. I was full afterwards and couldn’t keep the food down….

update time!!!

So, I’m on the third module of the Crisis Text Line training program. We’re learning about depression. This is so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas

For Christmas, I got makeup, jewelery, an iTunes giftcard, snowboots, and a hot chocolate it. They were all wonderful gifts!! I actually ate all my food at the meal… That was very anxiety provoking. I got through it, and that’s all that counts.

today’s update

So, I ate three bites of everything on my plate today at breakfast and lunch. My eating disorder is winning. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing hope. Not sure where to turn. People tell me I look pretty but I don’t believe them. I see fat when I “Look” at myself (as I am blind). I can’t really see myself. I look ugly. At least, that’s what my eating disorder voice says.

Update

So, feeling depressed today. I’ve been restricting my food intake a lot today. no matter where I look, I can’t find treatment. I can’t find treatment that Medicaid accepts. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss for words.I don’t know where else to turn.