the correct email to my team

I appreciate all of what you all do for us. The DID diagnosis was confirmed in therapy session on Wednesday. I know I may be difficult at times to deal with, but I want you to know that we’re trying. I’m fighting for the survival of this body and fighting for the chance to heal from my past. I need to know all of what happened to me so that I can heal from it. This may take a very long time to do, but even through the hard times, I need all of you to be there for us. If we do attempt suicide or self-harm, it’s not for attention. It’s because the pain we’re in is to great to live with. I wish that could be communicated to the ospital as well. They don’t understand DID at all. It’s going to take a lot of time and hard work, but I know some day, we will heal. Even if we fail, we will keep trying. There may be days where we want to give up, but you have to encourage us to keep going no matter how much we may not want to do it. If that means you have to put us somewhere to keep us safe, then that is what that means. No matter how much we resist, you have to keep pushing. There are some inside who don’t want to keep going or live, and they need to be worked with. We know we are a xomplex system, but with time and compassionate people, we can learn to work as a team.

Please forward this to everyone on the team.

SOS!!!!!!

So its Rayette, and im just feeling like total crap. Weve had five suicide attempts in the past month no make that six. We keep going to the hospital for help after each attempt, but they keep sending us home. Dealing with programming stuff and feeling very triggered and alone. Just need a friend. Just want to die!!!!!!!!! There are alters who have plans that they feel like they have to go through with them because of the programming… Someone please talk to us!!!!!!!!!! Just want to end it all!!!!!!!

dealing with suicidal programming

So, I don’t know what to do about whats going on. Im dealing with three alters who are dealing with suicidal programming. I went shopping the other day and came back from shopping and found a bottle of Tylenol in my bag that I don’t remember buying. Every time I try to throw away the Tylenol, they take over and hide tit form me. Also found out that being locked up in the hospital is a trigger for the others, so cant go to the hospital. Also cant go to the hospital because the ER already told me that if I go there again for psych, we will be involuntarily committed to an institution. Also found out that I have another apartment inspection on the 15th and if I don’t pass it, they will begin eviction proceedings. Amilia thinks it would be beter to be dead than homeless…. Just don’t know what to do.

fuck our team!!!!!!!!

So spoke with our therapist earlier, and she didn’t even seem like she cared. She told us that maybe we needed to learn to live without the hospital as an option. I asked her what I should do if we ever felt suicidal again, and she said, well, you don’t really have any other options besides living with the feelings and thoughts. We cant keep going on like this. We’ve had five suicide attempts in the last three weeks, one of which almost killed us. By the way, our therapist is the one who came to see us the day before the most recent overdose in the hospital. She came in the room and didn’t even ask how we were doing. She just said that they were sending us home. We didn’t sign the safety plan and even told her what we were going to do when we got home, and she still sent us home. Well, fuck all of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amilia

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

going to end it

ITS AMILIA AND IM JUST DONE. THE HOSPITAL DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT US. JUST GOING TO KILL MYSELF….. RAYETTE TRIED PLEADING WITH THE DOCTOR, BUT TO NO AVAIL. WE CANT LIVE BY OURSELVES WITHOUT THE PROPPER SUPPORT. JUST GOING TO SLIT MY FUCKING WRISTS….. JUST WANT THIS FUCKING PAIN TO STOP!!!!!!!!!

AMILIA AGE 16

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NO ONE GIVES A FUCK

SO I TRIED TO GET HELP FOR US ALL. THAT WAS A BIG DEAL FOR ME AS I DON’T SPEAK. I TEXTED 911 AND THEY WERE WILLING TO HELP ME. THE PARAMEDICS WERE WILLING TO WORK WITH ME, BUT THEN WHEN I GOT TO THE HOSPITAL, THE NURSE DEMANDED THAT I TALK AND EVEN CALLED ME RAYETTE. I GOT FRUSTRATED AND WENT BACK INSIDE AND STACEY CAME OUT ALL AN

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

GRY. SHE TOLD THE NURSES THAT THEY COULDN’T JUST MAKE ME TALK BECAUSE I CANT. WELL ANYWAY THEY TOOK AWAY THE LAPTOP SO I COULDN’T COMMUNICATE ANYWAY TO TELL THEM WHAT WAS GOING ON. IM VERY ANGRY THAT WE’RE BACK HOME. WE ONLY SPENT TWO HOURS AT THE HOSPITAL. WE GOT SEEN BY AN ER DOCTOR, THEY TOOK BLOOD AND DID ALL THE USUAL TESTS FOR MEDICAL STUFF, THEN THEY TOLD US THAT WE WERE GOING TO SEE A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL TO BE EVALUATED. THE DOCTOR LEFT THE ROOM AND I HEARD THE BASTARD TALKING IN THE HALLWAY, AND HE SAID THAT HE THINKS THAT WE’RE DOING ALL THIS BECAUSE WE’RE LONELY. HE HAS NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO HAVE DID. SO THEY SENT US HOME WITHOUT BEING EVALUATED. I HAD TOLD THE 911 OPERATOR WHAT MY SPACIFIC PLAN WAS AND THAT I WAS HEARING VOICES THAT WERE TELLING ME TO JUST KILL MYSELF. SO WHILE WE WERE WAITING FOR OUR CAB TO GO HOME, RAYETTE CALLED THE AFTER HOURS STAFF AT MY CPC’S OFFICE, AND THEY SAID THERE WAS NOTHING THEY COULD DO. THEY TOLD HER TO FOLLOW UP WITH MISTY ON TUESDAY. WE MAY NOT MAKE IT TO THEN. I JUST WANT THESE DAMN VOICES TO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO SLIT MY FUCKING WRISTS AND BE DONE WITH IT…..

Amilia

took an overdose and they still sent us home

So, I took an overdose of our meds, and they still sent us home…. We don’t know what to do from here… I’m doing all I can to keep the system safe, but I’m running out of ideas. Also, others within the system I don’t know who have been spending our money that would normally be used to pay the bills. So, now I don’t know if we will have enough money to pay the bills. Amilia now is mute because a doctor told her she was a game… What are we suppose to do now when one of us is suicidal because apparently going to the hospital isn’t working. We should not have survived on what we took.

Rayette