So we had therapy today, and Tabbitha came out and talked to our therapist. She said how she was afraid of the hospital and how she was afraid of the dark alters. She’s afraid of what Amilia will do. She doesn’t trust any of them. We’re supposed to make a list of all the atlers and their jobs. Gelana told us to do our best on making the list. We’re supposed ot make a google doc for the file so she can see it so ebverythime it needs updating, she will be able to see the updates. She also wants us to make a list of our tirggers that trigger the others to come out. She did the assessment for DID and confirmed it.
So we’ve been accused of medically abusing the hospital ER because we’ve been there o many times. They told us the next time we go there at all, they will have us committed to an institution, have the state take guardianship and take away my rignhts. Cant even go there for medical issues. Well, fuck them and theuy’re stupid fucking hospital which is by the way named Pass Away Hospital.
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I’ve created a new email support group for people living with anorexia. This group is for anyone in recovery from anorexia or their families. It doesn’t matter what stage of recovery you are at. No mention of weight, calories, clothing sizes or anything like that. If you do, please put a trigger warning where it needs to go.
So, I made a video yesterday on my YouTube channel. You can find me at blind mental health support. The video is the longest one I’ve ever done. I will link the video below. I’m going to get my state ID today. I start school next month. Really looking forward to everything.
You can find my video here:
So, I ate three bites of everything on my plate today at breakfast and lunch. My eating disorder is winning. I don’t know what to do. I’m slowly losing hope. Not sure where to turn. People tell me I look pretty but I don’t believe them. I see fat when I “Look” at myself (as I am blind). I can’t really see myself. I look ugly. At least, that’s what my eating disorder voice says.
So, feeling depressed today. I’ve been restricting my food intake a lot today. no matter where I look, I can’t find treatment. I can’t find treatment that Medicaid accepts. I just don’t know what to do. I’m at a loss for words.I don’t know where else to turn.
I can feel a major depressive episode coming on. It just feels like a million weights are on my shoulders. I just feel so alone. I just want to be happy. I’m so done with this depression. It can go away. I want control back over my life and food. It’s getting harder and harder to eat my food. I just want my life back. It’s like I’m slowly fading into the darkness. I just want out.
I’m so frustrated. Earlier today one of the residents brought up something about their past abuse. It triggered me. We were standing in line for lunch. That wasn’t the time to bring up something like that. I barely ate anything at dinner tonight. I was so upset and frustrated. I just wish mental illness didn’t exist. I wish I didn’t have to be on medications at all. My depression is coming back.
I got accepted to Crissis text line!!!! I’m so excited!!! I start training December 1st!!! I’m so excited!!! I get to text with people who are in crisis. I get to do something I enjoy doing.. I can’t wait to start training. I’m in a better mood tonight.
So I was standing in line for dinner last night, and I told one of the residents that I was only eating half a sandwich. One of the other residents commented and said, “Are you trying to lose weight?” I said, “Yes,” and she said, “You don’t have anything to lose.” This is the worst thing you can say to someone strugglx with an eating disorder. Needless to say, it was really upsetting. My therapistst doesn’t specialize in eating disorders. I’ve looked all over the place for one that does, and the ones that do, don’t take Medicaid. This is so frustrating. Even the inpatient units around here don’t take Medicaid. Again, this is so frustrating. I live in the US.