I appreciate all of what you all do for us. The DID diagnosis was confirmed in therapy session on Wednesday. I know I may be difficult at times to deal with, but I want you to know that we’re trying. I’m fighting for the survival of this body and fighting for the chance to heal from my past. I need to know all of what happened to me so that I can heal from it. This may take a very long time to do, but even through the hard times, I need all of you to be there for us. If we do attempt suicide or self-harm, it’s not for attention. It’s because the pain we’re in is to great to live with. I wish that could be communicated to the ospital as well. They don’t understand DID at all. It’s going to take a lot of time and hard work, but I know some day, we will heal. Even if we fail, we will keep trying. There may be days where we want to give up, but you have to encourage us to keep going no matter how much we may not want to do it. If that means you have to put us somewhere to keep us safe, then that is what that means. No matter how much we resist, you have to keep pushing. There are some inside who don’t want to keep going or live, and they need to be worked with. We know we are a xomplex system, but with time and compassionate people, we can learn to work as a team.
Please forward this to everyone on the team.
So spoke with our therapist earlier, and she didn’t even seem like she cared. She told us that maybe we needed to learn to live without the hospital as an option. I asked her what I should do if we ever felt suicidal again, and she said, well, you don’t really have any other options besides living with the feelings and thoughts. We cant keep going on like this. We’ve had five suicide attempts in the last three weeks, one of which almost killed us. By the way, our therapist is the one who came to see us the day before the most recent overdose in the hospital. She came in the room and didn’t even ask how we were doing. She just said that they were sending us home. We didn’t sign the safety plan and even told her what we were going to do when we got home, and she still sent us home. Well, fuck all of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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So, I go on Friday to see the mental health team for a new psychiatrist, and I go on the 19th to see my new therapist. She is only going to charge us a dollar per session until our insurance kicks in. I’m looking forward to working with my therapist on the DID and BPD stuff.
So, I’m emailing my therapist today. Things are falling apart, and I’m spiralling out of control. I may have to drop my college classes because I still don’t have my books. I just wish I could do something about all this. Just feeling really alone with DID. I feel I have to hide it because the staff here don’t understand it. I feel like aI can’t be myself.